


help me find myself, this big, big, world

by sanditide



Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU - Freeform, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Anbu Shiranui Genma, Flowers, Gen, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Just a snippet, Trashy Grammar, anbu members need a break, i keep on flipping between past and present tense but like, made up ANBU tradition, no beta we die like man, tsunade needs a couple drinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25341418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanditide/pseuds/sanditide
Summary: They teach you that you are not alone in ANBU. It might sound like a foreign idea to ANBU rookies when they join because they wear masks and conceal their identities on a daily basis, but the truth is, ANBU takes care of each other. They know exactly what it feels like to have to go on missions that breaks them or how it feels to watch a teammate die and not able to bring their body back.And so they find ways to support each other, because ANBU members are capable, exceptionally skilled, resourceful, and more importantly, they are survivors.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	help me find myself, this big, big, world

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely love the idea of ANBU and them having their own little traditions or inside jokes. I mean, if you were in a super secret and de-individualizing organization, it's hard not to look for closure with other members right? Honestly though, I really didn't check the grammar and spelling so I'd appreciate if y'all just read it as it is. Also, there are couple my own settings that shouldn't cause that big of a problem.
> 
> Please stay respectful if you want to comment or give constructive criticism, and I'd appreciate if that said comment includes some positivity <3

When a shinobi becomes a member of the Konoha ANBU, his or her mentor would make sure that the rookie knows exactly what to do, a tradition of some sorts if you will, when one of them is too deep in their head to be able to properly process things around them. This is not talking about simply going to a bar and get pissed drunk, or find a faceless stranger for a quick fuck to burn off the adrenaline (no one would ever mention therapy either because they’re ANBU and therapy will never work on them). No, this is about if the person starts losing a piece of their soul, when they refuse to talk or eat, blindly going on an assassination mission after another, when they don’t function like a human anymore.

Granted, ANBU emphasize to hide their human side behind a porcelain mask and bury their own moral under the ground so deep that no one will be able to find them, but joining ANBU meant that you’re not alone in the process of going on suicide missions, you’re more than just the mask that you wear every day (most ANBU don’t even wear masks in the headquarter), it’s about being one of them, _comrade_.

It’s not often that one would actually need to follow the rule; it’s for desperate times after all. No one really knows who started it, but more often than not, ANBU members find themselves asking someone to do it at some point in their career anyways. When it becomes too much to bear for the ANBU and they find themselves in need of feeling something, they would put a red dot next to their name on the roster to notify people of their... status, and when other members of the corps see that, they would find the person and request a spar.

The rule goes like this: you do not ever ignore the red dot; once you see it and you’re free, you approach the person, absolutely no questions asked. The rules for the spar are simple, as long as the person is not dead and has their limbs attached, the body still functions enough to go on future missions, it’s fair game. It doesn’t matter that you stabbed a kunai into their stomach or utilized a genjutsu that makes them live through the worst moments of their life over and over again. Once the dot had been taken off and the person in hospital recovering (because they will go to the hospital no matter how many spars to acknowledge that they did not come back unscathed), you leave a single Peruvian Lily beside the bedside of the said ANBU.

When one hears about the rule, it’s easy to think ‘oh, you’re going to break the person!’ Or ‘it’s going to end horribly with someone dead or gone’ and there’s always that possibility, sure, however, they are the ANBU of Konohagakure, the shadows of the Will of Fire that goes on darkest missions no one wants to take. They are stripped of their identity knowing that when (not if) they died, they are _just another body_ serving their village. The spar is designed for members to be able to let out their emotions, the emptiness, and everything in between, in a more controlled environment than to request a suicide mission and _gets one._

It’s for them to feel the pain they all share when they put on the bone-white mask.

.

Genma was in his third year when he breaks. He went on a solo S ranked mission to eliminate a civilian clan that is threatening the rice trade between Hi no Kuni and many of its allies, so the fire daimyo ordered the mission. He remembered every second of the mission, the children crying and screaming in horror as he slit the throat of their fathers, then plunged the kunai into their mothers and finally snapped the necks of those children. He remembered the resigned look the elders gave him, the hatred burning in their eyes, and he buried it deep in him so he could cut the carotid arteries of those elders, blood splattering on his mask, filling his nostrils with the smell of copper.

He came back to Konoha broken. Not in a way like someone rejected his invitations to go on a date or when he lost his favorite senbon in a mission that went wrong. No, it felt like someone ripped his entire being into shreds and tried to patch it back together— still functional, but not nearly as good as whatever it was before. Genma remembered trudging into the Hokage’s office, handing in the report with blood still on his uniform and arm protector, his tone so blank and expressionless that even Iruka had been giving him worried glances. He barely said anything to the Hokage’s questions asking about his being. It felt as if his senses are muffled, like he was drowning but not quite suffocating, just slowly losing his sense of touch with reality.

He left in a shunshin when the Hokage dismissed him and walked straight to the mission desk. There were a couple of ANBU members casually hanging in the room and the moment they sensed Genma standing at the entrance, they knew. Genma walked slowly to the mission roster on the wall, couple sets of eyes followed his back, and stuck the red sticker beside his name. Two members he doesn’t remember ever working with — turtle and cow —came up to him and requested a spar on training ground 24, another was scheduled an hour later on training ground 39. That’s not counting the next two days with a bare minimum of sleep or rest, just endless fights with fellow masks.

He ended up in the hospital with broken ribs, fractured femur, cracked jaw, punctured lungs, many other injuries, and way too much blood lost. He wakes up to bright light blinding his eyes, a pounding headache forming and turns to a bedside desk full with orange Peruvian lilies, a single flower or in a bouquet, and feeling _something_ than he had when he just came back from the goddamn fucking mission.

Raidou shows up in his room an hour later with takoyaki and they don’t talk about the flowers.

.

Kakashi joined ANBU when he was barely a teenager, and he’s not a stranger to the ANBU unofficial rule, he himself having the red dot once in a while too. The ANBU members knew that he’s not an emotional person because of the deaths he experienced, and they know exactly that the rule is something Kakashi finds useful to connect with his fellow teammates.

It’s easier to share the pain of loss than to talk about the living.

Kakashi remembered when he had to torture a shinobi from Suna for information on their patrol movements, having to infiltrate the house of a noble in an outskirt village. It’s not like he hadn’t been sent on missions to torture others; he is the Copy Nin and Konoha’s elite ANBU captain after all, but this mission was different. It was after his guard rotation for Naruto, and because he had the best luck of all time, this Suna shinobi had blonde hair and blue eyes. Even if the shade of blond isn’t as bright and the blue isn’t the same, the face so wrong, but damn if it hadn’t been close when he almost whispered ‘Minato-sensei’ in the torture chamber. Every needle he stuck in the Suna nin’s fingers sent a tingle through his own fingers and the fucking blue eyes that looked at him with hatred and anger almost made Kakashi throw up bile. He knew his shoulders were stiff and he was extra vicious when they had to kill the Suna nin, but no one uttered a word; they knew better.

After the mission, they traveled in top speed back to Konoha, not taking any breaks. He didn’t talk to any of his teammates on their way back, and didn’t even care about the Hokage and the mission report, leaving that to his teammates. He headed straight towards that mission roster, other ANBU members already approaching him, very aware of the silver-haired shinobi’s agitation, and put that damn red dot sticker beside his name just for the show. Cat, Boar, Dove, and Bird loudly announced that they will be hosting a survival training in Forest of Death with Kakashi, and anyone who is free will be welcomed to join. Kakashi doesn’t come out of that forest until a week later, and that was after so many fights that he couldn’t remember the details of. Covered in dry blood and mud, barely able to hoist himself up with the cuts he sustained and bones he broke. He knows that his chakra was pretty much empty. He was the last person to exit the forest, staying behind an extra day just to avoid anyone that might need him.

When he does show up at the hospital for his injuries, he doesn’t comment on the orange flowers that sat neatly beside the examination table in the room that the nurse led him to. The doctor only smiled at him when he gathered those flowers and left after he’s bandaged and treated.

.

Hayate sometimes hates himself. He hates that while his teammates and fellow shinobis are out there risking their lives for the village, he can only stare at their backs while coughing his stupid lungs out. He hates his weak body and hates himself even more for letting others down. It was after a mission to Cha no Kuni, ambushing some rogue nin and taking their bounties back to Konoha. In the middle of the fight, his lungs acted up and his hesitation caused his teammate to take a kunai to the shoulder. It wasn’t anything life threading at that moment, but Hayate felt like a burden. What if his teammate wasn’t there to give him a hand? Worse, what if that kunai landed in a different place on his teammate? The fact that he wasn’t able to fucking breathe also delayed their return to Konoha and Hayate would never be able to forget looking down on the ground, his teammates' feet shuffling around him, forming a circle to protect him.

He felt so weak.

The Hokage had to pull him out of ANBU and put him on reserve after that mission. He remembered staying behind after the report, his teammates already dismissed. The Hokage was kind when he told Hayate that he couldn’t stay in ANBU anymore, not when his sickness is spreading and he’s becoming a danger to the mission and himself. Hayate understands, hell, if he were the Hokage, he would pull him out too. But it’s so unfair. Hayate was a great kenjutsu user, he had a great mission success rate, and his team was so close with each other. But he had to leave.

When the Hokage dismissed him, he walks slowly straight to the mission room, not even acknowledging anyone in the room. He stands in front of the mission roster, staring at his own name, trying to breathe calmly. He can feel his arm trembling, but he pulled out a red sticker, and gently put it beside his name. Immediately, Shark approaches him for a tanto spar on training ground 33, Hayate’s favorite. Then Deer, who Hayate knows for a fact that he definitely doesn’t know any shit about using a katana, asked for a kenjutsu fight after Shark. That day, Hayate only had people came up to him for weapon matches and he fought until he couldn’t breathe, his fellow masks had to rush him to the hospital after he coughed blood and proceeded to blackout.

He woke up to his girlfriend, Yugao, sitting beside his bed, her sleeping face immediately made his heart clenched. Yugao was going to be sent on dangerous missions and Hayate was going stay within the fucking walls, living like a normal civilian, and he was absolutely useless. He looks around his hospital room, noting bouquets upon bouquets of flower and get well soon messages sprawled across cards attached to those flowers.

Yugao woke up and they settled into a comforting chat, neither mentioned the single orange Peruvian lily that looked out of place in every bouquet of get-well-soon flowers.

.

Tsunade remembered occasionally seeing the orange flowers when she was treating injured ANBU members. At first, she didn’t pay much attention because it’s just flowers and people get them for those who were in the hospital as a gift anyways. Except she realized that not all injured ANBU members would get those flowers, and once a single orange flower appeared, so would a second, third, and forth, and so on, but the number of flowers don’t stay the same either. Tsunade thought it was weird that other ANBU would get flowers for injured members since they’re always going in and out of the hospital, and even weirder that everyone brought the same kind of flower.

She didn’t care about it at first, but after a while she got curious. She did a little digging around and heard from the gossiping nurses that it happens irregularly, but had always happened again and again whenever a particularly bad case came in. The ANBU member would always come to the hospital in an almost critical state or suffers from at least one major injury, and those orange flowers would sometimes mysteriously appeared, or someone with the porcelain mask would bring it in. She went around and found out the meaning of those flowers, and then she understood why the specific flower, but she never realized why it would sometimes appear and sometimes doesn’t.

That is until Jiraiya’s death reached her. She’s the Hokage goddamnit, she can’t afford to look weak or throw a tantrum like a five-year-old kid. He told her he would be back and he broke the promise, and it hit Tsunade like when Dan and Nawaki had died; wrecking her world and threatened to knock her down until she can’t come back up. All she wanted to do was get so drunk that she died from alcohol poisoning, or hit the fucking stupid training ground until her hands break and bleed. She just wants to scream. But she doesn’t because she’s the Hokage and her village needs her to act strong.

She’s pathetic, fucking hell.

Then Bear appeared in her office without her calling and requested a spar in one of the most discrete training ground. Normally, Tsunade would ask what the hell is wrong with him and maybe even hit him for the audacity to request a spar, but she’s feeling like shit so she doesn’t. Instead, she got up and asked Shizune to take her spot for a while. They got to the training ground and Tsunade sees three other ANBU members, Grasshopper, Ox, Penguin, waiting as well.

They fought. Tsunade would usually be able to end the spar in five minutes but she doesn’t want to think. She knows that her attacks are sloppy and reckless but whatever, she just wants to watch the grounds shatter and cry her fucking eyes out. The four took turns in sparring with her, and no one spoke. The four members had a couple of shattered bones and superficial cuts, and Tsunade herself had bleeding knuckles and dust on her clothes and face. She’s not a complete ass so she heals their injuries and dismissed them, feeling less miserable.

Later that day, Tsunade cleaned herself up and returned to the Hokage’s office to find four orange Peruvian lilies wrapped individually in her favorite colors and beautiful ribbons. She ignores the knowing looks from her ANBU guards and pretends she doesn’t see when Deer briefly turns his head to Bear, and Bear giving Deer a nod. She put those flowers in a vase, carefully arrange it on her desk.

She goes back to paperwork without the alcohol.

.

Ino doesn’t really know when she noticed. The Yamanaka had always been a family known for their mind transfer jutsu and their side profession as growing flowers to be used as poisons, and being the heir, it was normal for Ino to remember the flower languages. Not to mention she likes to do it anyways. That’s not the point though, the point is she knows that in the greenhouse they own in their backyard, there’s always a patch of orange Peruvian lilies. It’s not a common flower to grow because of its swirly stem and the bright color makes it less common to be used in flower arrangements, so it was justified when Ino asked her father why they even have it in the first place. Her father only looked at her and told her that orange Peruvian lilies meant struggles, and ‘I’m here for you’ when given as a gift.

Ino could never forget her father’s eyes that were so sad and his smile that doesn’t look like a smile at all. Ever since that question, Ino paid extra attention to who would buy those flowers, and she noticed that there’s a pattern to it. It’s not often that people would ask to have those flowers, but whenever someone does, it’s usually only one single Peruvian lily. And their shop would sell mostly single Peruvian lily that whole day, and the day after, and then the day after the day after.

Ino thought that she’s a sensible child, having to rely their family technique on observing other people and predicting their mental states and all, so it doesn’t escape her that those who get the single Peruvian lily always look so sad. Sure, they don’t really look sad at all, and they definitely don’t sound depressed either, but it’s just a feeling that Ino had, a sixth sense kind of thing. And so she started taking extra care of those orange flowers, giving it extra attention whenever she’s watering the flowers in the greenhouse. Ino would always make sure she’s extra careful when someone asked for a single lily, and took out the prettiest ribbon she owned to wrap it up.

She pretends she doesn’t see their eyes softened when she gives a beaming smile and hands them the flower.


End file.
